A DISSERTATION ON EUROPEAN MILK BOXES

By Don Myrah

I've been traveling in Europe for the past 25 years now, and have yet to learn the secret to opening these one liter cardboard milk boxes without spilling the milk. Somehow I missed the Rick Steves PBS special on this topic. 

These boxes are quite an ingenious idea because as long as you keep them sealed you don't ever need to refrigerate them. I don't know how long the milk will last in that state, probably until the next Ice Age or all the glaciers melt.  It's a great idea, and I know that there must be a way to open the carton without spurting milk out the spout, since they have used these boxes for years and no European seems to have a problem.

Here is my problem: they fill the milk box so there is zero airspace, and so that if one makes any slight cut, tear or rip, milk will leak out down the side of the carton.  The side of the carton then gets wet and slippery, and of course one must squeeze the carton tighter to keep a firm grip on it. This causes the milk to erupt right out of the mouth of the carton, all over the counter and floor.  Mon dieu!  Mamma mia!  Achtung!

Some of the methods I've tried are: 

1. Using a sharp knife, I cut precisely on the little dotted lines printed on the carton.  As soon as I puncture the cardboard the milk will spurt out into my eye.

2.  Sometimes I squeeze the carton so I can snip off the corner with a pair of scissors, again following dotted line. With this technique I lose good a 2 ounces, oh I guess I should say centiliters.

3.  And in sheer desperation I sometimes stab it with a pencil.

All of these techniques are guaranteed to spill milk. What is it they say, don't cry over spilt milk. Oh that's so cliché. I'm sorry.

Geralynn just ignores the printed lines (so unlike her!) and cuts straight across the flap.  With this method she can actually carry the open milk carton to me at the table and then, when I pick it up to pour, I must squeeze the straight edge to make a little spout and here comes the milk squishing out all over my fingers again.

The next tourist information office I go to I’m going to inquire if they can recommend a secret underground resistance group that teaches a class in the correct method of opening European milk cartons. Of course, all is lost if the ufficio informazioni senorigna does not speak English. You know, she and the Resistance leader, in order for me to fully understand the lesson, would need to teach this class in Italian, with a German accent and a little French touch to make it perfectly clear to me. I, myself, have been accused of affecting an accent when speaking English in a foreign country.  Can you believe that!?

I guess the ultimate answer is to just stop drinking milk in Europe.